God Cancels United States
Americans must choose between Canada or Mexico by Monday
Not since the famous flood that resulted in the building of Noah’s Ark has the earth been in such a state of disarray. Michael, a spokesangel for God, explained, “Well, the Big Cheese upstairs feels that all this technology you folks have developed has caused US citizens to not only become unjustly superior to other cultures but also, well...much dumber than before.”
Apparently, the Lord Almighty believes tat Americans are not only becoming more selfish and greedy than they were in previous centuries but also much stoopider due to their whole-hearted reliance on technology.
Recently inaugurated President Bush made an address to the nation after God’s announcement on Tuesday in order to try to quell fears about the coming apocalypse. “Nobody needs to worry because we can all move to Canada, take it over, and start again.” The President continued, “Besides, everyone knows that Canada isn’t a real country anyway. What civilized country would have a twig for it’s flag?”
Even after outlining his extensive plan to cut taxes and improve defense a few weeks ago, the end of the United States does not deal a blow to the President who concluded his speech with, “I was probably gonna ruin the place in two years, anyway - this way God can take the heat and I can run for another term.”
The destruction of the country is set to begin next week with a large earthquake originating in Seattle, similar to the one that occurred recently. “Yeah,” the archangel commented, “it turns out that Bill Gates is the devil after all. We didn’t really pay much attention to him after that whole monopoly lawsuit thing figuring the courts would take care of him. We keep forgetting that your judicial system sucks.” After a shrug he added, “Now you will all be destroyed along with big business, internet corporations and the Teletubbies. We’re gonna keep Chris Rock, though - he cracks me up!”
Britney Spears may also be offered a reprieve in the event that she agrees to mother the Messiah for his second coming. Jesus Christ refused to comment on the reasoning for this but it has been rumored that he appreciated her performance of “Oops, I did it again” at the Grammy awards.
Americans are not worrying about their impending doom, though. In fact, many citizens are looking forward to it. Actress Shirley MacLaine and long-time believer in the supernatural told Conglomerate, “I hear the afterlife has a great night-club scene. Also, I’m anticipating being reincarnated as an Indian mystic so, really, I can’t wait.”
Many political reactionaries are also excited about the armageddon. “It will allow us to not only return to the past but also to start all over again the right way - none of this freedom from slavery and suffrage for women crap that we screwed up the world with the first time," one prominent right-wing supporter choosing to remain anonymous stated.
Those wishing to purchase indulgences can stock up at any grocery store but must present it to the Angel of Death before maiming or dismemberment occur. This will assure that the proper discount accommodations are received upon arriving in purgatory.
Lisa Game, 2000
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